my love letter to finding purpose
- emikearns
- May 12
- 8 min read
I will die one day. Everyone I love will die one day. Everyone I have ever known, and never known, will die one day. Yet, for some paradoxical reason, we are all alive right now. I think about this a lot. How one day, we will all only be a memory. We will live through who we were to others and how we made them feel. I am always questioning: Why am I here, and what is my purpose? Why am I me? Why was I given the life I was given? What is my why?
Lately, I've been looking to the past. I think about the beginning of senior year and homecoming, and how the days simply felt different. When I was in that mosh pit, it was just me. Time slowed and I could see the people around me so vividly. I was being pushed around, and yet, I have never felt more still than I did in that moment. There was something in the air during those early months of senior year. The sincerity of those days has been coming back to me, and quite frankly, it pains me.
In less than three weeks, I am going to walk the stage to graduate. I will no longer be in high school. I will no longer see the familiar faces I've seen over the years. I have a feeling that when I go to walk that stage, I'll see every face and every memory from my past seventeen years. I'll see my first pair of Twinkle Toes. I'll see my twin brother and I riding our scooters and bikes outside our house at dawn. I'll see us making box forts at our grandparents' house. I'll see ten-year-old me wearing bows in my hair. I'll see myself grabbing my parents' raincoats in an attempt to hold onto them instead of going to class on the first day at my new school. I find such beauty in the hurtful truth that everything, and I mean everything, will one day be a memory.
In November 2025, I had to put down my childhood dog, Luke. "Our Boops," as we call him. I think back to that cold and rainy November 17th, and often mark it as the worst day of my life. I saw his lifeless body sink into my father's arms. I could see myself out of my body, standing there frozen in time, surrounded by my family and the doctor's bag sitting at the bottom of the stairs where Luke used to lay, filled with medicine. I physically couldn't move, yet I could feel every muscle in my body. I kept questioning who spilled water on the floor until I realized it wasn't water, but rather my tears streaming down my face and hitting the wooden floor. My hands were stuck in the back pockets of my jeans and I couldn't lift them high enough to wipe the tears away. I felt as though I saw death itself right in front of me. I felt as though I saw his light go out and his body grow still. I could never wish that feeling upon anyone. Luke is part of my why. I live each day because he no longer can. I live to keep his light lit. Little note: Live each day as if it is your last. Live each day in note of the great blessing it is to be alive and to be given the opportunity to experience life for its entirety.
I've spent endless days alone. I've lost friends. I've felt lost. I've felt unseen. I've felt responsibility. I've felt guilt. I've felt the weight of the world. I've felt the need to lift heavy weights just to prove I could lift something heavier than my thoughts. There have been countless early mornings spent in my head, and an abundance of nights spent in pain, but the good of my life would not be what it is without the suffering. Little note: The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. This idea ties to a quote from one of my favorite books, Looking for Alaska by John Green. As the quote goes: How will I ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering? It presents life as an endless labyrinth filled with the illusion of an end. I think we as people face endless tragedies. When I say this, I don't necessarily refer to physical tragedies. Yes, we face those too, but in a different sense, there is a painful tragedy to being human. I was having a conversation with my Grandpa a while back and couldn't help but pass on his advice: Reality exists. Pay attention to it. Reality can feel so deeply and humanistically tragic. There are endless words that go unsaid, endless feelings that go unfelt, endless realities that go un-lived. We jump to false conclusions. We hurt each other to protect ourselves. We shape ourselves to fit into other people's perceptions. But why? Why do we constantly find ourselves in a constant cycle of suffering?
I think that sometimes life can be so heavy that all we can do is take it day by day. Sometimes all we can do is try to live in the present rather than in the past or the future. It truly is a blessing to be lost because without being lost, how would we ever be found? I was having a deep conversation with someone where that exact idea came up. I mentioned how, at that current place in my life, I was not overly concerned with the past or the future. The only option I was giving myself was to keep myself grounded to where my feet were, in the present. While yes this is true, I often feel I am reflecting on the past or what could be, but the present is where I try to stay most rooted. As I said in my previous post, don't waste away the present by being so focused on the past and the future. This person followed up my statement by asking how this could be, and how selfish it was to not be concerned with the consequence of my actions; how it was possible for me to be in the present if not in concern with the future. I took something from this. You can't judge someone for their choices if you don't know their options, and you never know everyone's options. I was in a place and mindset where the only option I was letting myself see was choosing between continuing on a path of losing myself, or making the effort to show up for myself again and to embrace every opportunity for growth that the world was offering me. They were in a place that couldn't face that change, and that is okay. Looking back on it, neither of us were wrong, and that is perfectly okay.
The best thing anyone can ever do is to start, because starting means that you are willing to learn. A lot of the time, people aren't trying to avoid failure, but rather are trying to avoid looking like a beginner. Everything you are good at, you were once terrible at. Starting is accepting that truth again. Show up for yourself and for those around you. Everybody has a journey, but the real journey starts when you stop trying to be who the world says you should be, and start becoming who you need to be for yourself and for what you reflect back into those around you. Care more about how your life feels to you than how it appears to others. You don't need to change the world, just change the small world around you. A lot of the time we get so caught up in the idea of changing the world that we forget to change ourselves for the better. Stay grounded within yourself. You have the power to be the change, kindness, and love that you hope to see. Helping one person may not change the world, but it could change the world for one person. That is what matters most. Keep hope in the plan and in the process.
The goal in life is not to live a life of pain, but rather to live in appreciation of why we need to experience it. There is so, so, so much to appreciate in the world around you. Keep your shoulders held high, and keep pushing. You are not defined by your suffering, but rather by how you appraise and grow from it. Be proud of yourself for getting up in the morning. Be grateful you are able to wake up and use your own strength to lift yourself out of bed to take on the day. Be proud of yourself for the things you have survived that have gone unnoticed. Appreciate the impact you have on those around you. Lead by your values, even if someone tells you it is selfish to do so. Be the kindness that someone has yet to experience. Be the positive influence. Stay rooted in the character of who YOU are. Value the people you have in your life, just as you value the people who may no longer be in your life. Find the good in everything, and when I mean everything, I mean everything.
Here is my biggest piece of advice at this point in my life: If you feel that your life has no purpose, give it a purpose. As Lil Tony said best, "If you are blessed enough to help somebody, go bless back." Hold the door for people. Let someone merge into your lane. Make sure everyone has a pencil to write with. Go to the gym and move your body. Eat well. Check in on the people you love. Whatever it is, give your life a purpose. If you don't know what to do with your life, go help people. I don't care how far I go in my life, but rather how far others go because of me. That is my purpose. If you don't know, if you are aimless, if you have no desires, go help others. There is nothing more cool, kind, and admirable than helping the less fortunate, or even the more fortunate that need help. Go help the people around you.
Gentle Reminders:
The person at the bus stop just wants a bike. The person with a bike just wants a car. The person with a car just wants a Benz. The person with a Benz just wants a Lamborghini. The person with a Lamborghini just wants a yacht. The person with a yacht just wants a jet. The person with a jet just wants the moon, all while there is somebody sitting at home that can't walk and just wants legs. There is somebody on the street that don't got shoes, that just wants shoes. It's not your possessions that make you rich, but it's your desires that make you poor. Be grateful for what you have and hold value in the character of who YOU are. Hold value in what you bring to the world around you. Never let anyone, and I mean anyone, take who you are, away from you, ever.
Who am I to judge another, when I myself walk imperfectly.
The most powerful action you can take is to simply begin.
Focus on improving yourself, not proving yourself.
Judging others is only a form of judging yourself.
No matter how educated, talented, rich, or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells all.
Every day you wake up is a reason to go get it; keep going.
Someone will always be smarter, but they will never be you. Someone will always look better, but they will never be you. Someone will always have more money, but they will never be you.
While you're busy doubting yourself, someone else is looking at you and wondering how you do it all.
Speak positivity into your life.
Be so authentically you that everyone around you has no other choice than to accept you for who you are.
Find what you'd die for, and then live for it.
The love you are searching for has been inside of you all along.
Be better than the people who've hurt you.
Let the success of others be part of your dream as well.
Be someone who makes people feel like a someone.
Sometimes things don't work out, but later on you realize that was it working out.
Time is flying, but good thing you're the pilot.
There are so many opportunities to be kind.
Do it even when no one is looking.
Don't let yesterday take up much of today.
Even if the world gives up on you, don't ever give up on yourself.
with love,
em 𓇼
Comments