my love letter to character

character = (noun): the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

I have never been in a relationship. If you were to ask me why, I would tell you that I "don't do relationships." The truth is, I have always found myself trapped by the concept of a relationship or anything overly affectionate for the matter. I was recently talking to a friend of mine about this concept. I expressed that I have never met someone who is so rooted in their own values within themselves as I feel I am, and that I value my independence to a degree that is beyond the dependency of any relationship. I've always believed that relationships should have both purpose and boundaries----such as the overlapping space in a Venn diagram, where two lives share qualities and parts of their lives, while still retaining their individual differences. Just like this:

Part of my reluctance to pursue relationships stems from other people's character and the standards I hold for myself. It doesn't matter what you own, what you wear, where you live, or how much weight you can lift. Your character is not defined by tangibles, but rather by your values, your actions, your disciplines, and your morals. As Carmelo Anthony once said, "You are not your zip code. You are not your last name. You are not your setbacks. You are your vision. You are your work ethic. You are your will. You are the quiet whisper inside you that says, I know there is more for me in this life. Hold onto that voice. It will be tested." Be genuine and hold good intentions towards those around you, including yourself. Throughout my life, I have been friends with kids with bad grades, alcoholics, smokers, partiers, scholars, skaters, athletes, kids mentally challenged, etc., and I've seen good in all of them. Here is my truth about character: It takes nothing to see it, but everything to understand it.

About a month ago, I was at the gym alone and I decided to do my occasional treadmill walk. There was an older man who took the treadmill next to me, with the whole row being open for use. I tried not to think anything of it and went on with my walk per usual. As my walk went on, I began feeling uncomfortable by the man. Maybe he was just going on about his workout. He couldn't have been looking over at me and adjusting his speeds to match mine, right? Nonetheless, I continued trying to keep my shoulders held high at an attempt to keep composure. I thought about texting someone I knew of through mutual connections---someone I didn't know personally, but wished I did. I was aware they went to the gym I went to, and based on these factors, decided to text them, without any expectations of a response, but rather with hopes of relieving some sense of discomfort through knowing someone, and more particularly them, were aware of the situation I was in. They responded immediately and came to my rescue in less than ten minutes time. They didn't ask me details. They didn't question the situation I was in. They simply understood, and made the decision to show up.

I think of this moment a lot. How this person, without any questions asked, came to help someone they barely knew, simply for the reason of making them feel safe and valued. I can’t stress it enough; it is always about someone’s character. I have always felt that your character is not only defined by who you are, but is also defined by the person you are held to by others. Let me first preface this by saying that you are not defined by what others think of you. You know you. Don't let someone take who you are, away from you. I was having a conversation about this person to one of their friends, who happens to be a friend of mine as well. The conversation was based in nothing but respect and admiration. I expressed how I had noticed them seeming to stay to themselves over the years, but in a way that appeared to be rooted in peace, discipline, and consistency. I explained that while this may have sounded silly and strange, I always seem to appreciate people who come off as respectful and to themselves in a way that is rooted in prioritizing their goals without regard to what other people are doing; both mentally and physically. I always make an effort to hold myself from making assumptions about people and drawing conclusions based solely on my thoughts, which is one of the reasons as to why I was so conflicted with my points in this conversation. By the sheer mention of this person's name, my friend was quick to acknowledge not only their character, but the respect they have for it alongside noting their good intentions. I mention this because of my previous point: Who you are is not only reflected into the character of those around you, but is also reflected into the perspectives and values of others.

I bring this person and situation up in particular because I feel it sets a perfect example: You can know little to nothing about someone and hold respect and appreciation towards them. You can be proud of someone and value their character. You can respect someone's discipline and consistency. You can respect their resilience to struggles you are unaware of. You can wish the best for someone despite not knowing them. I wish I could remind everyone: You are not invisible. You are not unimportant. You are not unworthy of love. You are not insignificant. You are you, and that is the most beautiful thing about you. It's not about liking someone. It's not about finding someone who fits "your type." It's not a debate between romantic or platonic. It's about someone's character. You are valued to those around you, beyond just yourself. It says a lot to be brought up in a conversation you are not part of, and have someone say you are a good person. I think we sometimes forget just how easy it is to leave an impact on those around us. It seems simple, but I think I will go the rest of my life saying thank you to the person who came to help me. Being someone with admirable character and kindness speaks louder than any situation.

I was having a conversation once with someone who led me to feel months of a heavy heart and a heavy mind. They reached out regarding one of the particular things that led me to feel this way, and I, despite who they were, and what they did, felt they deserved to feel support. I decided to give them some words of advice. What they didn't know was that this advice related back to them and who they were in my life: all of this advice about heartbreak and self-isolation and pain and the undying truth that you can't live your life feeling hurt; that you have to grow. At a point in this conversation, I brought up The Notebook and the deleted scene of Ryan Gosling as Noah Calhoun saying, "There is nobody else for me, and I don't want anybody else." It gave a laugh to the conversation, but beyond the laughs was silence. They were thinking about someone else, while I was thinking about the version of them I used to know. I think we as people spend so much time letting ourselves feel hurt and attached to people because we don't want to imagine, and later live through, a future without someone in it; like there is this burdening concept of change. We view life as a before and an after. This mentality is so dangerous because we lose sense of the truth that while you will never meet someone who is exactly like the person you know, there is beauty in being able to accept this and understand that you can love someone and know they're not good for you. Some people owe you a sorry, but that's not your story now. You need to find a ground to appreciate who people are in your life, who people were in your life, and who people will be in your life. No matter how hard you try to do so, you can't hold onto something forever. Appreciate the pain just as much as you appreciate every good thing people bring into your life, but never burden the present and the future by basing your emotions in the past. Embrace change.

Here is my advice: Learn to respect people leaving your life. Learn to respect people entering your life. Don't go about your life waiting for someone to text you back. Don't base your feelings in if someone likes your posts or not. Don't take everything so personal. Let people be who they need to be. There are so many people out in the world who care about you, even people who you may not be close with. There is someone out in the world who wants to understand you. There is someone out in the world who wants to know all of your favorites just as much as they want to know why they're your favorites. Be with someone who makes you comfortable being you and reassures you that there is nothing wrong with being yourself. Invest your energy with people who make you feel safe and valued. Express your feelings if you have something to say. Don't let embarrassment be the reason you don't reach out to someone you want to have a conversation with.

It can be so easy to forget just how small life is and how alike we all are at the end of the day. I've had moments where I am sitting in class reflecting on previous tests I've taken and I think about how stressed and overwhelmed I was in the moments studying for them. I look back and realize that not only was the stress meaningless, but it was also drawn out of proportion. You'll find yourself looking back on the times that felt everything was too much, and realize just how little the situation was in comparison to the continuous world around you. The moment you start stepping back and realizing that the only thing holding you back is you, will be the moment you start living for yourself. Stepping back also allows you to see how much love and joy there happens to be around you. There is love in the act of someone waiting so you can walk together; in someone noticing you're a bit off and quietly asking you if you're okay; in someone remembering a small detail you told them months ago; when you get interrupted and someone says, "I'm listening, keep talking;" when someone defends you when you're not around. It's surreal how one day, you wake up and realize you're not the same person anymore. Often times, we find changes in ourselves, even without the awareness of the change having occurred. One of the most beautiful things about change is its inevitability. No matter what you do to prevent it, it is unavoidable. As I said previously, embrace it.

So many people care about you. Don't focus on those who don't. We're all on our own agendas. We're people. You will find your person. It may feel as though you won't, but you will. You will find your person who doesn't disregard the things you are passionate about. You will find your person who makes you feel safe and valued. You will find your person who respects you and inspires you to grow. You will find your person who appreciates sitting in silence with you just as much as they do in noise. You will find your person who misses you in a crowd of people just as much as they miss you in solitude. You should be with someone who not only fulfills your goals, but also adds to them.

There is so much stress on being with "your person" that people can sometimes lose track of their own values simply for the sake of others values. Don't diminish the things you're passionate about, simply for the comfort of someone else. If someone can't find value in you, it is a reflection of them, and not you. Do not, and I repeat, do not, make yourself feel unimportant because of how someone treats you. Everyone is going through something in their life. Everyone has experienced hurt. Everyone has experienced joy. Everyone has experienced loneliness. Everyone has experienced immeasurable happiness. Everyone has experienced regret. Everyone has experienced love. Just as much as you want to be present and grounded for someone, you also have to be present and grounded for yourself. You are not going to find love at a house party. You are not going to find love by smoking your feelings away. You are not going to find love by drinking your feelings away. You are not going to find love by making yourself available for everyone who comes into your life. You are not going to find love by being someone you're not. If someone can't love you for who you are now, they don't deserve to love you at your highest potential, nor do they deserve to love you at your lowest. Be you. The people who love you will make themselves known.

Choose and prioritize your peace. Be less harsh on yourself. Keep yourself to a schedule. Stay true to your values and don't allow anyone to take them from you. Stay true to yourself. I like to remind myself that as long as I have myself, my values, my loved ones, my health, and my music, everything will be okay. I look back to who I was months ago and I wish that version of me could see where I am today; the girl who was so lost, so overwhelmed, and so hurt. Maybe it's my standards for independence speaking, but you truly need to value yourself. You don't need a relationship. You don't need someone. You don't need to give into what others are doing. You need yourself. If you feel the need for change, then make the effort to change. As always, remember to be good and kind. How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.

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Gentle Reminders:

• Being told you're beautiful is cool, but showing someone else that they are is way cooler.

• The most breathtaking thing about you isn't what people see on the outside; it's what they feel when they're around you.

• Don't force anybody to pick you. If they think they can find better, let them.

• Don't protect your heart by pretending you don't have one.

• Don't look outside yourself for approval.

• While you are overthinking and doubting yourself, there is someone else looking at you wondering how you do it all.

• There are people in hospital beds begging for your opportunity.

• What a blessing it is to feel things so deeply.

• Heal so you can see that attention is not love, attachment is not connection, and the bare minimum is not effort.

• Act like the person you want to become.

• You don't have to tell anyone anything, and you don't owe anyone an explanation.

• Some lessons are meant to be learned more than once.

• Love and appreciate the fact that at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.

• When it feels like life is giving you too much to carry, you can't ask for less weight. You have to ask for stronger muscles to carry you on.

• Progress isn't always loud. Sometimes it is as simple as you breathing a little easier than yesterday. Don't dismiss small victories towards progress; that is growth.

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Although every month is a time to reflect on the importance of mental health and suicide prevention, I want to touch on the fact that you are not alone. If you ever feel it is the world against you; if you ever feel that your life is not valued; if you ever feel the urge to make things end, reach out. You are never alone.

• Dial: 988

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with love,

em 𓇼